The Relapse that Wasn’t Worth it - Changing From my Old “Corduroys” to be a “Better Man”- Purity 593
Purity 593 12/04/2021 Purity 593 Podcast
Good morning
Today’s photo of spectacular December sunset sky comes to us from the
vantage point of a friend’s front porch in West Liberty, Kentucky. It’s a beautiful view but as nice as it is
our friend has decided that they want to see the sky from different vantage
points all over the country because despite relocating to Kentucky from New
York earlier this year they have decided to sell their recently acquired home
and to exchange it for an RV to travel the highways and bi-ways of our country
to see and capture more of the beauty of God’s creation that surrounds us.
I can relate to that restless spirit to “come and see” as it has led me
to seek the Lord and follow wherever He leads. My walk of faith has been an all
inclusive trip that has included diving deep into God’s word and the teachings
of the saints who have tried to unpack its wisdom; as well as an experiential
journey that has led me to perform the good works that the Lord has prepared for
me in my local communities as well as traveling to distant lands both
nationally and internationally to answer His call.
As much as we may look to the outside for our meaning and purpose for
God, He also calls us to renew our minds and to turn from our worldly ways and
to adopt His way for living our lives.
This inward transformative work can be a daunting task and as
frustrating a process as changing the ways we how we think and act may be at
times, the rewards of repentance are worth it. \
I have indicated in my continuing testimony my ongoing victories over my
former addictions to alcohol, drugs, and sex and know that the process of
recovery and repentance can be one marked with victories and defeats as
sometimes our best efforts are dismantled by our own weakness.
While I was able to walk away from illicit and illegal drugs, one of
which is now legal, in my own strength with the strong crutch of alcohol still
holding me up, to be completely sober I needed the Lord’s strength.
In 2015, my church started a recovery ministry and when they did I knew
that it was time to finally trust the Lord to take away that crutch of alcohol that
I was bound to. I walked strong in recovery for two weeks but then due to corrupting
influences of a former relationship and due to my own weakness, I relapsed at a
“rock and roll” weekend of excess at an old resort near Hunter Mountain, in
Greene County.
After two days of throwing off my restraint and indulging in alcohol,
cigarettes, and magic mushrooms, (in for a penny in for a pound right?), I woke
up Sunday morning heavily convicted and angry at my failure. I was mad that this relapse “wasn’t even
worth it!”
I had thrown away two weeks of sobriety for a “not so great time” with
people I didn’t know who seemed ravaged by the effects of their decades of
addictions, doing the same things and singing the same songs over and over
again since high school. They hadn’t
grown in their maturity or learned from the suffering caused by their vicious cycles
and seemed to be condemned to keep repeating them, to never escape from the
lifestyle that would continue to destroy their health and possibly cost them
their souls if they never turned to God.
So I was ashamed and felt guilty but unlike in times of the past, where
I would have sheepishly lamented of the uselessness of trying to fight my
addictions, I was filled with righteous indignation and recommitted myself to
surrender to and to follow the Lord completely on the road to recovery.
As a forgiven saint, there was grace for my failure. God wasn’t going to
disown me. Christ had paid the cost for all of my sins and that includes the
one I haven’t done yet. My relationship
with God wasn’t over and when I asked for forgiveness and recommitted myself to
Him that morning, I knew that He was with me forever and that no matter what missteps
I make in life He will never leave me or forsake me and that instead He will
encourage me to keep following Him into the life that He wants for me, a life
defined by the fruit of the Spirit rather than the sins of the flesh.
From that day in March of 2015, I have continued to surrender to and to follow
the Lord and to walk in victory. My
latest battle has been with my food addiction to processed foods and
particularly sugar filled treats and candy.
I have made great advances in that fight this year but since October I have
“given myself grace” to indulge in the occasional “cheat day”. Unfortunately, while a reasonable person may
be able to be measured in their choices to step off the path of righteousness,
I have that addict’s philosophy to go for broke when I indulge. Like an alcoholic who is incapable of seeing
the point of only having a few drinks and figures if they are going to drink they
most certainly are going to get good and hammered, when I give in to have some
candy or other treat I usually have a lot.
Just like an addict, my little indulgences on holidays and “special occasions”
have led to more “special occasions” and to me secretly grabbing unapproved
foods and hiding my activities. Last
night, it was Friday night, and I because I had been on my eating plan that is
sugar free for several days decided that I was going to make it a “cheat day”
and went overboard by eating several servings of candy.
This morning I feel like I did back in 2015. I feel that my relapse wasn’t
even worth it! The sweets didn’t satisfy, and
I pray that this will be a turning point from which I have a renewed
conviction to not “keep going to the well” that has proven to be poisoned.
Food addiction is particularly difficult because we have to eat but when
we avoid processed foods and eat the foods that God created and that have not been
enhanced or corrupted by the hands of men, we feel healthier. So I am “outing” myself once again with the
intention of picking myself back up and walking into the healthier life that
God would have me live.
There is grace for our failures and there is even room for the enjoyment
of all of hat the Lord has provided but when we throw off restraint in a
reckless way like I do, we need to recognize that the way of victory may require
cessation rather than moderation. If we can’t just enjoy a reasonable amount of
something, it might be more reasonable for us not to have any.
Our walk of life is one in which we can take corrective action and when
we see the same patterns of failure coming again and again, its time to get off
the merry go round, ask the Lord to forgive us for our weakness, and to ask Him
to strengthen and help us to go the way that we should go.
As I was considering this message some lyrics from some old Pearl Jam
songs from their Vitalogy album came to mind and of course my aged brain had
confused them and made two songs to be one.
I had melded the lyrics of “Better Man” and “Corduroy” and was taken by
how some of the themes in those songs reflected my past and my intention to be
a “Better Man”.
Corduroy is sort of an anthem of rebellion and independence that speaks
of not wanting to “hear from those who know” and not “wanting to be held in
your debt” with the result of ending “up alone like I began.”
“Better Man” is actually a song about abuse, telling the tale of a woman
who is trapped in a relationship with a man, and although she “dreams in colors”
and “dreams in red”, “She lies and says she’s in love with him”, lamenting that
she “Can’t find a better man, Can’t find a better man…”
Both songs are meaningful I guess because I was that independent spirit
that would do things his way to point of my own detriment and that I know what
it is like to feel trapped in cycles of addictions and abusive relationships
but because of God I have a new hope.
I don’t have to “…be damned, All alone like I began”. God has saved me and encourages me to walk further
into the life He has for me. I don’t
have to earn it. I “Can’t buy what I
want because it’s free.”
God has called me out of the darkness to be the “better man” that I never thought I could be.
And even though I know this latest slip up was only candy and there is
grace for it, I know that with God’s strength I can be a better man and no
longer have to give in to these food binges that only result in a feelings of
sickness, shame, and futility.
I also know that my battle is not just my own. There are others who are trapped in bad
relationships and addictive patterns. And if my testimony can help even one
person to seek the Lord and find their freedom in Christ, I simply must
continue to “take my lumps” and keep walking towards the light and to become the
better man that God has already given me the power to be.
So keep walking and talking with God. Our journey of faith doesn’t end
and the rewards for faithfully pursuing repentance and the Lord’s will and
purpose for our lives is worth it.
Today’s Bible verse is
drawn from “The NLT Bible Promise Book for Men”.
This morning’s meditation verse is:
Lamentations 5:19 (NLT2)
19 But LORD, you remain the same forever! Your
throne continues from generation to generation.
Today’s verse continues the theme that we have been
discussing over the last few days: that God is eternal and does not
change. God remains the same forever and
His throne continues from generation to generation.
In my limited time each day I generally don’t have time to
read the resource that I share on the blog after I speak about the meditation
verse of the day. To be honest I sometimes don’t read the shared resources I
post in their entirety at all but know they could help someone else.
Today I took a moment to read from A.W. Tozer’s advent
devotional before I wrote the first part of today’s message, as I have decided
to be intentional about making it a part of my preparations for this year’s
Christmas celebration. I enjoyed what I
read and I feel that it is a fitting commentary for today’s verse. So instead of sharing my thoughts I would
direct all who read this to continue on, and for all who hear this on the
podcast to forgive me if I studder through this most excellent text:
As
always, I invite all to go to mt4christ.org where I always share insights from
prominent Christian theologians and counselors to assist my brothers and
sisters in Christ with their walk.
Today we continue sharing from A.W. Tozer’s Advent
Devotional – From Heaven, for Day 8, as this
current resource series will lead us to Christmas Eve.
As always, I share this information for educational purposes
and encourage all to purchase A.W. Tozer’s books for your own private study and
to support his work.
DAY 8
LIGHT FOR THE DARKNESS
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a
light on my path. PSALM 119:105
This revelation of Jesus Christ has
to do with His relationship to the Father, to the human race, and to the
church. It has to do with His relationship to Israel, to the nations, to our
enemy the devil, and to the coming judgment.
Ministers faithful to the Word of
God have always said that Christ can be found on every page of the Bible. In
the Revelation, we see Him dominating the eternal future. The message of the
book is the almost overwhelming portrayal of Christ’s victory, bringing about
the final destruction of Satan and all of his works.
Part of our Christian restfulness
comes from the fact that we are in the hands of a loving God who has already
existed throughout all of the tomorrows. Because all time is in God, the flow
of time never concerns God. He never has to run in an effort to catch up with
the movement of time. The end of time is seen by God just as easily as the
beginning of time.
That is why the Bible tells us that
God knows the end from the beginning. That is why a godly man like John, caught
up in the Spirit of God, could be shown the outline of future events. They were
future to him, and they are future to us. That is because we are in the stream
of time. They are not future to God because He is not in the stream of time.
Revelation is the only New Testament
book that may be classified as “predictive” in its character and content. (It
has been interesting to me to find in the writings of Blaise Pascal, the great
17th-century scientist and religious philosopher, his conclusion that no true
prediction of mankind’s future can be found anywhere but in the Christian
Scriptures.)
About the predictive quality of the
Scriptures we ought to be in agreement. If there cannot be any valid foresight,
no revelation from God, nothing to warn us or prepare us for tomorrow, this
life on earth would have to be considered a gloomy business indeed. Thankfully,
we have a definite word, a promise upon which we can lean. Peter, one of God’s
special spokesmen, expressed it this way:
We have also a more sure
word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that
shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your
hearts: Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private
interpretation. For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but
holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.
2 PETER 1:19–21
As Christian believers, we are
assured that no matter how dark it becomes around us, God will faithfully
provide the illumination of His Spirit. The Old Testament offers in the release
of Israel from Egyptian bondage a fitting illustration. When God was moving
toward the climax of that deliverance, the darkness of night covered Egypt,
but, miraculously, there was light in the dwellings of all of the Israelites.
So, too, there is light even now for us who are Christian believers concerning
our future. God’s Word is a light that shines in a dark place until the morning
star rises in our hearts.
Tozer, A. W. (2016). From heaven: a
28-day advent devotional. Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers.
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